tidal wave/flood/tsunami

People are gonna have to hold on tight for this one. A lot has been going through my mind, about un peu de tout et n'importe quoi.
i'm trying my best to get a good train of thought, but frankly, I can't say it's coming to me. Instead, I'm goin blank. which is wierd.
Writer's block seems to have taken control of my life. I have a freaking paper to write, and it's not inspiring me just yet. I have too many potential pistes, and not sure where any of them are going. I think it mostly with not wanting to make a mistake, look like an idiot, admit defeat. I try to believe it wasn't too big of a task to tackle, but I won't lie that I'm doubting. I at least have to do somehting for mcgill. I'm kinda hoping it will all just come to me, but as the days go by I fear.

Still, in a way, the paper is the least of my worries. Yesterday morning I was out doing a GLT watch (Golden Lion Tamarin, which roam free in the zoo during the summer - check out NZP's website), and discussing their behavior with the keeper. These little monkeys are monogamous. And they're not the only ones out there. Im in no ways suggesting that monogamy is the most common thing in natre, but it certainly does exist. And we're talking animals which have pretty decent life spans. Take the Tamarins: 20 yrs in captivity, and usually mate when they are around 2 yrs old. 18yrs together.
As I learned this, I also learned the average length of an American marriage: in 2002, marriages typically lasted 7 yrs,
so what? what happens after 7 yrs? you just stop? you just start anew? leave everything behind? build again?
This obviously leads me to 2 different tracks
1. Love
2. the past.

I'll start with the past. i just came back from superman returns (pretty decent), and the more i think about it, the more movies nowadays are either remakes or sequels. We've run out of new ideas or are afraid of them.
and then take fashion, in the 90's we dressed like in the 70's and now we dress like in the 80's? where is the real innovation, why do we continuously return to what was?
now, in my case, i am fully and entirely guilty of this crime (not fashion wise, thank god). I constantly fear the future, wished i'd live in another era ( i think the 19th century or so would have been good). now more concretely, i'm absolutely incapable of letting go of what has been. I feel stuck in some kind of pre teen mode, while everything I try to hang on to simply continues to move. it's like one of those commercials where they focus on a pretty couple while the rest flows past in an incoherent blur. minus the pretty and minus the couple. just me. and my stupid brain.
and what kills me is that i know all this and i'm just so complacent about it. i criticize criticize but don't have the courage to do anything.
is that simply b/c every time i muster up some courage, i choose the wrong people/things? everytime i believe i have found an example, i get discouraged by a little detail? or is that just something i tell myself to continue in my same ol' cynicism?

obviously, love is a great example of this cynicism. and we all know where that went wrong for me. well there are multiple reasons. but one v notorious to all, and then another less notorious, and one i just vaguely recall it was so abrupt.

Some would say to ignore the bad, and focus on what's good. that's what I got when I attempted yoga last night. Must say wasn't entirely impressed with the mantra. if people don't like me, too bad for them. Ok i follow you then. but if you apply that to all, "ignoring the bad", you're not advancing at all. it seems more egotistical than anything else.
i admire people who have fire to combat evil, like in the constant gardener (which I am currently reading), yet there aren't enough. i'd think i want to do my part, but i think my dreams might have died along the way. unfortunately: " "Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." Norman Cousins
i look at pictures of myself and don't recognize myself.
I was the kid who wanted to be the first woman president or first woman priest. the kid who was curious about everyone and everything. the blonde pigtailed girl with no front teeth who drove people nuts by constantly talking for no apparent reason. i turned into a teen that experimented and was convinced she was her own person.
there's this really bizarre thing i remember vividly in 10th grade. it was one of the jour de greve of the cantine and we all had our packed lunches, and for some reason (and i dont remember the context), i declared that i would never be anorexic, and someone agreed with me.
and bam, the year after, i wither away, a carcass roaming the halls. obviously,that incident and what insued is not the important part. but it kind of pinpoints the idea.
in the course of a year, probably much less, something died inside me. i promised myself to reclaim it. and i fooled people into thinking i did (at least I assume i did. maybe not as much anymore).

yet, i know there is still something missing. and i miss it.
i really do.

and i dont know what to do to rekindle it

Washington DC used to be a swamp.
Someone out there is nostalgic.
Someone out there is determined to recreate the initial state.
Or better: it's the terrorist; they've found a way to control weather and make trees fall in the white house backyard (I am so not making this up. Google "elm tree white house")
For those unaware, it has been raining buckets. It's some sort of fake monsoon, w/ 23 cm of rain in 2 days, flash floods, etc... and its not over yet apparently :-D.
Makes workin at ice cream quite fun. As Calvin and I discovered last night, not only does it make business slow, (so we can talk aobut old tv shows), but it also makes ppl generous. W/ maybe 20 clients last night, we got 15$ in tips. And hell, for 20 ppl thats a shit load!

What's less fun, is cuz of the rain, the zoo is closed, but I didn't know. So from 6:30AM to 7:30 AM I was walking around the zoo desperately looking for an open gate. Finally, returned home, emailed Sara, who told me bout a special gate, which I promptly found, and now im safe inside :). But I was not a happy bunny.
Thank God for IPod and Jeronimo. Nothing like "Moi je voudrais" to put you in a good mood, followed by "Glass Dance" by the Faint.

Presenting the birdies.

Since I'm not tired (not sure why), I'd thougth I'd present you to the birdies of the birdhouse, with the pictures taken directly from NZP website!


First, this is Romeo the red billed blue magpie. He used to be in the outdoor flight cage. he steals mittens from the baby strollers, eats sparrows, escapes from the cage, and harasses the hammerkops.... He was punished last week, got placed in the basement. Now he's inside, as so not to bother the other outdoor flightcage birdies.



Marabou storks... they're silly.always sunbathing, always displaying (though they might both be males...)... I'm sad tho: ppl always simply point out that they aren't very cute... they call them downright ugly :(











Hammy! You should all know arthur and molly by now (i dont know if i should tell them I've named them....) They are really adorable, with their huge nest. Sara thinks they might even be INCUBATING!!! BABY HAMMIES!!!!







pygmy falcon. The CUTEST little birdie ever. once again a little couple but they've been having problems making fertile eggs that survive through incubation... sad. I would have loved to see some tiny teeny baby falcon...
they really are pygmy.





Tinamou: SO FUNNY. she was handreared and loves humans... shes always at the edge of her cage. they even had to put a plastic sheet so she would stop sticking her beak through the wires!










again burrowing owl, cute as a button. we now have a female. they will be introduced tuesday... they like to follow you, they spin their head all the way around to see you, and they bob up and down if you hide from them!

Written contract???

"You've got such a pretty smile
It's a shame the things you hide behind it
Let 'em go
Give it up for a while
Let 'em free and we will both go find it"

I'd like that. Someone to help me get through. But at the same time, last time it blew up in my face and left me farther down than where I'd started.
Now I'm not praising myself by assuming I have a pretty smile, especially after everythign I make my teeth endure. but hell. it's not all that bad. and the rest is true.
it's tiring to constantly ahve to battle the same ails year after year. 5 years is starting to become slightly too long for me. 1/4 of my life... that will not do.
i think that along with a getting a job, acing and finishing school work (for at least 1 yr, or 2... I'm not too excited about going back to school really), that will be my last objective of this year... solving my relationship with Ed, as some call it.
There are so many times where I was so close... I just want to see the end of the tunnel and reach it once and for all.




And doesn't this just explain my obsession ?

You are Maryiln Monroe

A classic tortured beauty You're the dream girl of many men Yet they never seem to treat you right

What Famous Pinup Are You?

Ok so the comments are a little too much, but for those who don't know, I adore Marilyn Monroe b/c her life seems so real to me. Too real at times.

how did I know?

Damn

damn
thats just about al l that comes to mind rihgt now.
was sick yesterday: nosebleeds, headaches, nausea.... and writer's block.
I am so determined to get this stupid stupid introduction down that it is not flowing out despite the fact that i have an ideal timeline.
it just wont plah!
damn.
and now i'm stalling here.

sad. argus chicks got sick. one's dead. the other is supposedly going...

happy. i named the hammerkof couple. Arthur and Molly. I'm sure some of you (the better ones) will know where that comes from.

toodlelo

Here's an update on the bird situation

Attacker: I found his nest. And that time he didnt attack me. But he did yesterday morning and yesterday afternoon, and more an more viciously... He follows me. I'm terrified. I'm changing routes to get to the zoo.

Koris: Tanzy laid an egg that will hatch July 1rst. Yay! Baby Kori!!!!

Flamingoes: still as noisy. Also have eggs due mid July.

Other birdies: We have Argus chicks, and a stork is on an egg (I believe).

Paper: unconvinced.

Next year: unconvinced.

Love: unconvinced

Rest of the world: unconvinced


Total: unconvinced, but a glimmer of hope.

"Intern attacked on her way to the Zoo"

This morning, this beautiful,fresh june morning, I was assailed,.
The peace and tranquility of dawn was shadowed as I was physically abused by a winged attacker.
Yes, this morning I was victim of beak abuse.
So Im walkin along, spring in my step, false notes in the air, when, BAM, something hits me in the shoulder. i turn, and see this poor bird kinda swerving away.
My motherly instincts for any animal which is not a human instantly kicked in, and i started cooin over the poor birdie, and askin it if it was ok. seemed like it as he sat on the branch, so I continued.
I wondered what had prompted such clumsy behavior, and wondered if perhaps i had somthing on my back, so i reach towards my bag.
indeed, there is something.
horrified, i fling my bag off, only to see mr.birdie fly off of it and towards me again.
"what the hell?" i utter in an absurdly half pitch voice, and back away with my precious pink bag in my hand.

Later on, I tried identifying my assailant:the Northern Mockingbird. Reading his fifiche, I happen to come across his motives:

"Mockingbirds are extremely territorial and become defensive against potential predators. "
what predator?
"If you or your child or pet approaches a nest, either knowingly or otherwise, the mockingbird will defend its nest by swooping and chasing the intruder. No known harm has resulted in attacks from mockingbirds."
Here I disagree: i have been emotionally scarred by this violent encounter.
"This behavior is temporary and will only continue for as long as there are hatchlings in the nest (about two weeks). It is best to avoid the nesting area during this short period.


And finally my favorite part:
"As a songbird it is protected by the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission and cannot be physically harmed, nor can the habitat be molested in any way. "


Here's a picture of the felon. Be wary.

I've figured it out!

I need to find a guy who is funny as hell yet v responsible and aware of life. Example: a my aged guy with a kid hes involved with.
thats somewhat contradictory, cuz if he has a kid, there was some lack of responsability, but that he sitll is involved, is responsible...

damn gorgeous man!

why is it that johnny depp is ridiculously good looking even when he has a mullet!!!!????
http://www.johnnydeppfan.com/kids/kids3.jpg

plah.

Oh how I do bore you with lyrics. But I do advise you to listen to Jude, cuz nobody is as good as he is.... Im so tempted to paste the lyrics,but to spare you I will just put the link!!!
http://lyrics.duble.com/lyrics/J/jude-lyrics/jude-king-of-yesterday-lyrics.htmI am completely paranoid about this paper: will I finish it? can i actually write a freakin paper? The more time advances (only 7 weeks left - wtf????), the more it kinda is just sitting in the back of my mind going, paper... papeeeeeeeeeeer...paaaaaaaaaper.... PAPER!

But right now, nothing can touch me: Ryan Reynolds and Alanis Morissette has split up apparently. Thats two good things in one: maybe Alanis will start her angry singing again, which is awesome, and damn, Ryan is a very hot single man now.... age gap? what age gap?
Yet they were cute together (that hurts)... sigh. osrry guys.

Overambitious maybe?

jeez.
this has been one long and difficult week...
it all started wednesday night: I had to work at another location in dc, thats about a 30-40 min walk from where I was. work was to be from 530-1130 (shop closed at 11, takes about 30 mins to finish cleaning etc.)
so at 10 to 11, we're winding down, tis all good, no worries. Until BAM: about 40 eight graders, pile in, all with different orders (including many milkshakes assholes). I query on why they are out so late: graduation trip up to dc. wtf???!!!
so after them, we have about 20 other ppl, who assumed we were open cuz of the massive crowd. By the time we get everybody out, it is 1140ish, and the store is an absolute mess (btw, we ewer only 2 working at the time).
so we clean etc etc... and get out of there at 12 something... which meant that the metros were clsoed, which meant i had to walk home, so i only get home at 1 something.
oh and reminder, i get up at 5 every morning.
THANK GOD, i didnt have to go to the zoo the next day b/c she was takin a day of and so was the head of the bird house so i cou;ldmnt get into my office.
Then we have friday night: working from 730-230am. So my day was: 630am-330pm, then get the girls form the bus and make snack, and call bank, and then sleep from 6-730 (i got to work late) .
Saturday: MY WHOLE BODY IS ACHING. carrying icecream, scooping icecream (why the hell is it so hard), walking back and forth in crappy worn out shoes. still, work from 1130am-830pm. get home and eat and sleep at 10.
today only my scoopin arm and feet hurt. and work from 12-8pm, (hopefully, if ppl come in on time).
i am praying that I dont work tomorrow: tow reasons, I gotta go to UMD (university of Maryland) and I want to sleep. and rest my poor muscles....
remind me never to gte 2 jobs again. its too painful.