tidal wave/flood/tsunami

People are gonna have to hold on tight for this one. A lot has been going through my mind, about un peu de tout et n'importe quoi.
i'm trying my best to get a good train of thought, but frankly, I can't say it's coming to me. Instead, I'm goin blank. which is wierd.
Writer's block seems to have taken control of my life. I have a freaking paper to write, and it's not inspiring me just yet. I have too many potential pistes, and not sure where any of them are going. I think it mostly with not wanting to make a mistake, look like an idiot, admit defeat. I try to believe it wasn't too big of a task to tackle, but I won't lie that I'm doubting. I at least have to do somehting for mcgill. I'm kinda hoping it will all just come to me, but as the days go by I fear.

Still, in a way, the paper is the least of my worries. Yesterday morning I was out doing a GLT watch (Golden Lion Tamarin, which roam free in the zoo during the summer - check out NZP's website), and discussing their behavior with the keeper. These little monkeys are monogamous. And they're not the only ones out there. Im in no ways suggesting that monogamy is the most common thing in natre, but it certainly does exist. And we're talking animals which have pretty decent life spans. Take the Tamarins: 20 yrs in captivity, and usually mate when they are around 2 yrs old. 18yrs together.
As I learned this, I also learned the average length of an American marriage: in 2002, marriages typically lasted 7 yrs,
so what? what happens after 7 yrs? you just stop? you just start anew? leave everything behind? build again?
This obviously leads me to 2 different tracks
1. Love
2. the past.

I'll start with the past. i just came back from superman returns (pretty decent), and the more i think about it, the more movies nowadays are either remakes or sequels. We've run out of new ideas or are afraid of them.
and then take fashion, in the 90's we dressed like in the 70's and now we dress like in the 80's? where is the real innovation, why do we continuously return to what was?
now, in my case, i am fully and entirely guilty of this crime (not fashion wise, thank god). I constantly fear the future, wished i'd live in another era ( i think the 19th century or so would have been good). now more concretely, i'm absolutely incapable of letting go of what has been. I feel stuck in some kind of pre teen mode, while everything I try to hang on to simply continues to move. it's like one of those commercials where they focus on a pretty couple while the rest flows past in an incoherent blur. minus the pretty and minus the couple. just me. and my stupid brain.
and what kills me is that i know all this and i'm just so complacent about it. i criticize criticize but don't have the courage to do anything.
is that simply b/c every time i muster up some courage, i choose the wrong people/things? everytime i believe i have found an example, i get discouraged by a little detail? or is that just something i tell myself to continue in my same ol' cynicism?

obviously, love is a great example of this cynicism. and we all know where that went wrong for me. well there are multiple reasons. but one v notorious to all, and then another less notorious, and one i just vaguely recall it was so abrupt.

Some would say to ignore the bad, and focus on what's good. that's what I got when I attempted yoga last night. Must say wasn't entirely impressed with the mantra. if people don't like me, too bad for them. Ok i follow you then. but if you apply that to all, "ignoring the bad", you're not advancing at all. it seems more egotistical than anything else.
i admire people who have fire to combat evil, like in the constant gardener (which I am currently reading), yet there aren't enough. i'd think i want to do my part, but i think my dreams might have died along the way. unfortunately: " "Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." Norman Cousins
i look at pictures of myself and don't recognize myself.
I was the kid who wanted to be the first woman president or first woman priest. the kid who was curious about everyone and everything. the blonde pigtailed girl with no front teeth who drove people nuts by constantly talking for no apparent reason. i turned into a teen that experimented and was convinced she was her own person.
there's this really bizarre thing i remember vividly in 10th grade. it was one of the jour de greve of the cantine and we all had our packed lunches, and for some reason (and i dont remember the context), i declared that i would never be anorexic, and someone agreed with me.
and bam, the year after, i wither away, a carcass roaming the halls. obviously,that incident and what insued is not the important part. but it kind of pinpoints the idea.
in the course of a year, probably much less, something died inside me. i promised myself to reclaim it. and i fooled people into thinking i did (at least I assume i did. maybe not as much anymore).

yet, i know there is still something missing. and i miss it.
i really do.

and i dont know what to do to rekindle it