I am so darn confuzzled. Since Monday night Ive entered an area of strange nostalgia mixed with a harsh realization, intense bliss, comforting tranquility and an irrepressible urge to cry. Somehow all that doesn't necessarily reflect all that's going on.
I feel like I'm sinking into dark times, but at the same time my face is frozen into a placid grin. Things I recoil from offer irresistable attractions. I just want to take off, and gaze at a flat open space of nothingness for hours, experience every sensation of my body, every little prickle, ache and pain.
I'm so fucking lucky, yet unsatisfied. I look up to all the people I meet on my various trips, feel unworthy of their affection. I admire people who are looked down upon: who take upon themselves to make the best of what they have. Who despite the curves life throws them, always get back up and fight.
And here I am, always taking the hard road, creating my own obstacles. Is it b/c I aspire to be like them? Or simply b/c I think it will make me a better person?
In a way, I'm unsatisfied for all the wrong reasons. I have all I need. At least it seems like it. All I'm really missing is a purpose. But maybe that's just cuz everything else is in the right place. I don't want to go back to McGill. It feels fake and useless of a universe. I much prefer being surrounded with people who actually do real stuff. I might offend some people here, but I'm tired of all the uselessness. The futility of learning stuff, regurgitating it, going out, the prissy upper scale people boozing and always going out. The she devils and the preppy buff boys. They're so unreal, escaping their unease in another way.
Still, to the general public, I guess I would also be considered a she devil. White chick, food concious (but at least concious of the problem), money spending, parent relying (though I try not to). Like I said a few weeks ago, I feel like one of those sheltered kids trying to live the "real life"... Cuz let's face it, what wasn't sheltered about my life: did I not have both of my parents? did I not always have all I needed?
The only things I can think about that are slightly off were self induced.
So I am just a sheltered kid pretending to be real. I'm just as hypocritical and repulsive as all the people I criticize.
I learned from last summer that the taste in music reflects well the difference between groups of people. I still learn about it today.
the whole rock/emo/folk, the music with the guitars (acoustic or guitar), drums etc, is always full of self deprication, themes that involve the individual, and sometimes slight references to the rest of the world. But mainly, it includes the individual's feeling of unease and contempt.
Unaccompanied music lyrics always refer to the angst of the group of people. It's not as self centered.
All my favorite songs refer to mental, self induced terror. Only recently can I understand the other kind; the injustice of the masses. No, I will never experience it in it's full extent. There's nothing remarkable about me... well maybe if I go somewhere else, where I look like the outcast. But still, whether it be in the grayhound bus, where I'm the only caucasion onboard, or being mistaken for the manager cuz I'm the only white person behind the counter (true story), or simply being accused of racism because nobody was at the cash register to ring somebody up, it all opens your eyes to what is so wrong about everything.
Another thing is the difference in price between food. The produce and real food is all overpriced. Ever walk into a DC fast food restaurant? What a surprise.
As always, I've lost track of all I was saying and am totally unsure of how this thing means anything or if anybody has the patience of reading and agreeing or if they just think that I'm going through one of my uncalled for rants that I never do anything about.
But still, right at this moment, I would just want to be on a beach, totally alone, with music and a notebook. To ponder. And ponder some more. I'm a constant blunder of things, always boiling up, unable to get out. I'm agog for what stands before me, know that my quest is not finished.
I expect to stay crazy, unfulfilled, and slightly sociably unacceptable for a few years. My time to settle down and take part successfully in the world hasn't come just yet... I'm still just an anguished teenager a little overdue.
